Facebook’s Privacy Changes Get Scary

Facebook’s
long had some privacy issues, and now that they’re broadening their
reach on the web, who knows what’ll happen next? Oh, right. We do:

2007 – Facebook Beacon links your purchases at online stores to your Facebook account so your friends (and marketers) can see what you’re buying.

2010 – Facebook makes it impossible for you to hide certain information, such as your interests and location, from everybody.

2011 – Facebook History Tracker makes your web
surfing history publicly viewable on your feed (and to marketers).
After a brief uproar, Facebook enables an "incognito mode" for when you
want to look at porn, but it’s buried deep within the settings and
automatically shuts off after each session.

2012 – Facebook Life Recorder is a small camera
apparatus that’s worn on your head, automatically tagging the friends
you interact with via facial recognition and posting to your wall.
Information such as where you shop and what you buy is put into a
database (for marketers).

2014 – Facebook Implant combines a chemical scanner
with a GPS chip. Everything you eat and everywhere you go are
automatically posted to your News Feed in minute detail. This setting
can be deactivated through outpatient surgery.

2015 – Facebook Guy Who Moves Into Your House With
You and Is Always On the Phone With Potential Advertisers Telling Them
What You’re Doing meets initial resistance, but once the site starts
publicizing its "Watcher Marriages"—instances where a follower and
followee have fallen in love—public opposition melts away.

2016 – Mark Zuckerberg is elected president in the first election that allows voting via Liking candidates on Facebook.

2017 – Facebook User Relocation to Facebook’s
Headquarters ensures Facebook’s ability to track every single thing you
do to post to your Feed. Considered necessary after "Watcher Marriages"
resulted in too many compromised Facebook Guys Who Move Into Your House
With You.

2018 – Facebook Pods provide remote 24 hour contact
with Facebook, as well as all bodily needs, including food delivery and
waste removal (which is then provided to marketers for analysis).

2020 – Facebook Genital Pictures takes pictures of
everyone’s junk, which was real easy what with everyone in those Pods.
Finally, Facebook fulfills its ultimate destiny: showing you (and
marketers) everyone you’ve ever met with no clothes on.